If you are considering couples counselling in Surrey, Langley, or anywhere in BC, you are not alone. Most couples reach out when communication feels stuck, trust is shaken, or stress has crept between you. Counselling
gives you structure, tools, and a skilled guide so you can understand each other again and repair what matters. This overview explains how sessions work at Sojourn Counselling and Neurofeedback, what to expect in
your first appointment, how effective couples therapy can be, and how to prepare together.
We all have a built-in alarm system that is meant to help us when we are in physical danger
If we’re hiking in the forest, and we suddenly see a bear ahead of us on the trail, our alarm system goes off: “Danger! Danger!” We go into “fight or flight” mode: our bodies gear up for action, our heart starts beating faster, and we go into high alert to identify threats. This alarm system is important; it can keep us alive when we encounter a real threat to our physical safety!
The problem with our alarm system is that it is not very smart
It can sometimes be triggered by any perceived threat, physical or otherwise. For example, our alarm system could be triggered because we’re having a disagreement with a family member, or because someone cuts us off in traffic, or because of any other stressor that we might experience in our day-to-day lives. While these stressors are real, they don’t actually pose a physical threat, so they are “false alarms” that can be quite unhelpful because they put our bodies and minds into fight or flight mode. While it is quite helpful to switch into fight or flight mode if we encounter a bear on the trail, it is definitely not helpful to switch into fight or flight mode if we’re having a disagreement with a family member, or if someone cuts us off in traffic.
There are many things in our fast-paced, stressful society that can set off our alarm systems very easily, so people in our culture spend much of their waking hours with their alarm systems going off to some degree, and they are constantly being pulled into fight or flight mode. Also, some people have particularly sensitive alarm systems that seem to be triggered more often. Sometimes that’s just the way that they are naturally wired, and other times it’s because they have experienced some trauma in their lives
The good news is that you can learn to recognize false alarms, and “turn down” your alarm system when it is being unhelpful.
When you turn down your alarm system, your worry and anxiety levels go down, and you can begin to think clearly in helpful and productive ways. When I work with clients who struggle with stress or anxiety, one of the first things we do together is some techniques and exercises that teach them to turn down their alarm system. This alone can help them experience less worry and anxiety in their day-to-day lives, but it also allows them to think more clearly and begin to notice and restructure unhelpful thinking patterns that can trigger and exacerbate their alarm system.
Why We Need to Reset Our Alarm System
Our modern lifestyle has created an environment where we’re almost always “on.” Whether it’s through the constant notifications from our phones, the demands of work, or managing relationships, it can feel like we’re always in some form of crisis, which keeps our alarm system on high alert. This constant activation can wear us down over time, leading to chronic anxiety, exhaustion, and even physical health problems.
By resetting and recalibrating our alarm system, we can break this cycle. It’s crucial to find ways to ground ourselves and disconnect from the external noise that triggers false alarms. Practices like mindfulness, deep breathing, or progressive muscle relaxation can help us reconnect with the present moment and quiet the alarm system. These practices create a sense of safety within, signaling to the brain that the perceived threat is not as urgent as it may feel.
The Role of Unhelpful Thinking Patterns
It’s also important to address how unhelpful thinking patterns can keep our alarm system activated. Negative or catastrophic thinking can create a loop where even minor stressors feel like major crises. Thoughts like “I can’t handle this” or “This will never get better” fuel the alarm, making it harder to turn off. Cognitive restructuring identifying and challenging these thoughts can help break this loop.
By learning to recognize when your thoughts are feeding the alarm system and applying techniques to shift your thinking, you can take back control. Replacing unhelpful thoughts with balanced, realistic perspectives can significantly reduce anxiety, helping your brain and body shift out of fight or flight mode.
Building Resilience Through Practice
Like anything else, learning to manage your alarm system takes practice. The more you engage in grounding exercises and cognitive restructuring, the easier it becomes to shift out of fight or flight mode when you encounter stressors. Over time, these skills can build resilience, making you less susceptible to false alarms and better able to handle life’s inevitable challenges with calm and clarity.
While your alarm system serves an important purpose, it’s essential to develop the skills to manage it effectively, ensuring it works for you rather than against you.
How EMDR Can Help Reset Your Alarm System
For individuals who have experienced trauma, the alarm system can be especially sensitive, going off at the slightest triggers. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is an effective therapeutic approach that helps calm this overactive alarm system. Through guided eye movements or other forms of bilateral stimulation, EMDR helps your brain process traumatic memories, reducing their emotional charge.
EMDR works by reprocessing these memories in a way that allows you to recall the event without triggering the same level of distress. Over time, the alarm system becomes less reactive to past triggers, and the brain becomes more adept at distinguishing between real and perceived threats. For clients dealing with trauma-related anxiety, EMDR offers a pathway to healing and helps reset the alarm system to a more functional, balanced state.
Using Neurofeedback to Regulate Your Alarm System
Another effective tool for managing an overactive alarm system is neurofeedback. Neurofeedback is a brain-training technique that helps you become more aware of your brain’s activity patterns and teaches you how to regulate them. During a neurofeedback session, sensors are placed on your scalp to measure brainwave activity. You receive real-time feedback about your brain’s state, allowing you to gradually train your brain to remain calm and focused even in stressful situations.
By reinforcing healthy brainwave patterns, neurofeedback can help reduce anxiety, improve emotional regulation, and decrease the frequency of “false alarms.” This method is particularly useful for individuals who have long-standing anxiety or trauma responses, as it helps the brain relearn how to stay calm in the face of non-threatening situations. Over time, neurofeedback can lead to long-term changes in brain function, making it easier to manage anxiety and stress.
Both EMDR and neurofeedback are powerful tools that, alongside mindfulness and cognitive techniques, can support your journey toward reducing anxiety and resetting your alarm system for a more balanced and peaceful life.
In conclusion, while anxiety is a natural response to danger, many of us live with alarm systems that are constantly triggered by the stresses of modern life. The good news is that there are effective ways to reset and regulate this system, whether through mindfulness, cognitive restructuring, EMDR, or neurofeedback. These tools can help you manage your anxiety, reduce false alarms, and regain control over your mental and emotional well-being.
If you’re ready to take the next step in managing your anxiety and improving your quality of life, we invite you to schedule an appointment with one of our experienced counsellors in Surrey. At Sojourn Counselling, we offer personalized care tailored to your unique needs, helping you navigate your mental wellness journey. Visit our online booking platform today to find a therapist who’s right for you.
Therapists in Surrey at Sojourn are trauma-informed and are trained to help clients suffering from the effects of trauma using treatments like EMDR and neurofeedback.
If you’re experiencing stress, worry, or anxiety and you’d like to speak to a counsellor about it, please contact us at Sojourn Counselling and Neurofeedback or make an appointment online; we would love to help!
About the author: This article was co-written by Eli Norman, a Registered Clinical Counsellor who works with individual adults, and couples in North Vancouver. Visit him at mntviewcounselling.com
